Finding Who I Want to Be: a six word memoir

I’ve always had a more introverted personality. I was the kid that hid behind the adults because I was too nervous to say hi to people on my own and needed someone to go with me.  As a shyer kid, I had a few close friends, but I was more comfortable around family and adults. It may had started because the cousins I was always around were older than me, and I was left out because I was “too young.” Either way, I matured far faster than ‘normal kids,’ and was always playing by the rules, not wanting to get in trouble. 

I guess you could say I became my mom’s mini-me, including our matching hair-cuts, ha-ha-ha. Family and my Japanese heritage also shaped who I am, particularly the more modest and conservative behavior, something that I still see in myself and my actions. Throughout my life, I was always told to help out around family get-togethers and take special care during cultural events. Below is a picture of me at around age four in traditional Japanese clothing for a special religious festival honoring our ancestors through dancing.

The older I’ve gotten, the more I struggled to “fit in” with people my age, I’m still more introverted than extroverted, but I’ve learned to hide it a little better. I’m still the “mom” of my friend group, which is something that I’ve just accepted. I wish I could be more carefree and spontaneous, but that’s just not who I am. I am more of a planner for major life decisions, often to the point of having major indecisiveness.

Like most people in high school, I got the question “what do you want to study in college?” a lot, I mean a lot. At least once every conversation I had with someone. While I wasn’t pressured to go towards healthcare, it was definitely made known that it would be good if I went in that direction. So, I applied and came to San Diego State University as a kinesiology pre-physical therapy major.

After a year and a half of being a kinesiology major, I began having doubts about my major and my future career path. I realized that my classes, were not really what I thought they would be like, and I began realizing that I didn’t want to directly be in the healthcare field. I think that living away from home and just meeting people studying a variety of different things opened up my eyes to the possibility of something different, and hearing people talk about how passionate they were about their majors and what they wanted to do in life. This I think was the catalyst for me to not just got through the motions, but to do something I really love doing.

I always liked art in school, but never thought of it as an option, so I disregarded it. But in the process of being so back and forth with my life and the path I wanted to take, with the help of my friends who know me really well and played a huge part in me opening up as a person and just accepting me as me. With their help and patience, I found the business major. I had planned a conference in high school and loved the process, but just left it as a high school experience that I enjoyed. After talking to them, I realized that I had some of the same passion about my creative and planning side that others had about their majors. I still don’t know what I want to do with my business major exactly, which as I’m going through college I’m learning is okay. I’m learning it’s ok to not know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I am finding that I want a career that will let me do what I love, not just a career that will be safe. I’m learning to listen to the voice inside my head and not the voice of others, and I’m excited to see where that takes me.